Small penises have feelings too.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
