I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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