Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Randomize
