and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
