I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
