Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
