note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
