I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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