he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Sober January is a disaster.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
