no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
my poor anus
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
