Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
