69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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