She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize