Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
