It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
