so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
NoShamevember. You game?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
