It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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