Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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