I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
