Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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