So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
