You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
