Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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