filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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