A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
All the doctor said was why
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize