Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You need a sexual gate keeper
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize