Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize