I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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