Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
