I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
