I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
