and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Vodka?
Forever.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
