So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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