You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
