Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
