I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Randomize
