i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
