Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
