Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize