im six kinds of drunk right now
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
