white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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