Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
