So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
time to smoke my breakfast
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
