my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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