apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
