I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
