chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
