I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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