At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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