your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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