I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
