I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
