you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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