Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
