She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
