I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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