new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
