just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
