dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
