I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
