How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
