I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
